One thing I’ve got to hand Glenn Beck and the Tea Party crowd: They’re making it OK to call someone you disagree with a Nazi. This is a restriction I’ve chafed under for a long time. Previously, whenever I felt like yelling “Nazi” (which I frequently do) I’d be stopped short by the realization that a friend or acquaintance would blow the whistle and yell, “Godwin’s Law violation! Ten-yard penalty!” Godwin’s Law, as you may know, is best misstated as follows: In any political argument, the first person to say “Nazi”...
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No, seriously. If you’re possessed of a fortune and of a certain age, you really should think about the advantages of kicking off in the next 12 months. It is now 2010. (You probably heard.) Due to an absurd fluke in the tax laws, this year will provide your best expiration date for the foreseeable future. So why wait? You see, the federal estate tax—which can snatch a sizable chunk of your ill-gotten hoard—went out of effect just as the ball dropped and the horns started to blow. However… Real big however coming up here… The estate tax will (probably,...
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1. So you can have some conviction in your voice when you join in the national debate over whether it’s any good or not . 2. Even though they’re blue, 10-feet tall and tend to growl and bare their fangs a lot, those Na’vi babes are hot. 3. Best plant life in any movie since The Thing. 4. To answer the age-old question: Who would win a fight between a paraplegic avatar and a hot Na’avi babe against a macho Marine in a robotic armored warfare suit? 5. If you don’t, James Cameron will be very disappointed in you. 6. To find out what an avatar...
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President Obama needs to get the hell out of China as fast as he can, rush back to America and start hugging Republicans. This will guarantee him a huge majority in Congress next election. No more worrying about scraping up 60 votes. No more sleepless nights for Harry Reid. Starting in January 2011, every Democratic bill sails right through. The evidence is right there on page one of today’s New York Times. It’s the sad, sad saga of Charlie Crist, governor of Florida. Crist, a Republican, is now running for the Senate and was viewed as a shoo-in, according to the...
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I sympathize with the pilots who overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles. It’s so easy to get distracted and forget what you’re supposed to be doing in today’s busy world. Besides, they’re probably overworked or something. One time in a car I got into an argument with a passenger about whether Alfred Hitchcock or Orson Welles directed The Third Man (turned out it was Carol Reed) and I drove past Syracuse and ended up in Cleveland. Couldn’t that happen to any of us? Cleveland wasn’t so bad. I thought it would be a lot worse than it actually...
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President Obama today achieved his long-sought goal of overcoming the nation’s factional divide as all sides of the political spectrum came together to agree that he did not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Republicans, Democrats, and independents were in unprecedented agreement, as politicians and citizens alike registered their astonishment and outrage at the Nobel committee’s selection. Rush Limbaugh and Keith Olbermann were spotted in a bar in New York City, buying each other drinks and sharing snide bon mots about the award. Even Obama himself joined in the condemnation...
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There are some things that happen that so cry out for parody that a buzzer goes off in the head of every humor writer on the planet. Such a thing is the Conservative Bible Project. A bunch of righties headed by Andrew Schlafly (the son of Phyllis Schlafly) are rewriting the Bible because according to them, liberal bias has contaminated all the modern translations. As soon as I heard, I immediately began writing the conservative version of the Sermon on the Mount. But then I got sidetracked by something, I don’t know, life, I think, and by the time I got back to my Bible shtick,...
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Dear Dave: I was sorry to hear you admitting on television that you’d had sex. A prominent person like yourself should never admit to having sex and probably is best off not even having it in the first place. Whenever I’ve heard a public figure admit to sex, it meant he was in trouble. (Perhaps I should say “he or she” but it’s almost always a he, isn’t it?) Eliot Spitzer talked about having sex and the next thing you know, he wasn’t the governor of New York anymore. Upon replacing him, David Patterson announced that he had had sex, too, and...
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In political/media circles, the standard buzz phrase for Alan Grayson, for those of you who (like me) never heard of our new liberal Rambo before his big chart-wielding media breakthrough on the floor of the House Tuesday night, is that he’s The Congressman from the Blogosphere. Which is to say, he’s loud, in your face, and snarky. It is the last term in the series that differentiates Grayson from his many headline-grabbing Republican counterparts, who are loud, in your face, and insane. The GOP Congressional leadership, not being conversant with snark, irony, sarcasm, or...
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With fall just around the corner, infectious disease experts are warning Americans to take precautions against not only the usual outbreaks of flu and common cold but also against H1N1 (aka swine flu) and Glenn Beck. The Center for Disease Control advises that at minimum people should take these preventive measures: 1. Wash your hands frequently. 2. If you have no handkerchief or Kleenex, sneeze into the crook of your arm or knee and not your hands. 3. Do not tongue-kiss unhealthy-looking strangers. 4. Never under any circumstances expose yourself to the Fox News Network....
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