With fall just around the corner, infectious disease experts are warning Americans to take precautions against not only the usual outbreaks of flu and common cold but also against H1N1 (aka swine flu) and
Glenn Beck.
The Center for Disease Control advises that at minimum people should take these preventive measures:
1.
Wash your hands frequently.
2. If you have no handkerchief or Kleenex,
sneeze into the crook of your arm or knee and not your hands.
3.
Do not tongue-kiss unhealthy-looking strangers.
4. Never under any circumstances expose yourself to the Fox News Network.
You should also avail yourself of vaccines whenever possible. The
new vaccine for swine flu will be available Oct. 15 for high-risk patients and the inordinately aggressive. Though there is currently no vaccine for the common cold or Glenn Beck, scientists at the CDC are studying the current issue of
Time with Beck on the cover in hopes of achieving a breakthrough before the contagion spreads too far. “Fortunately, he is much bigger than the average virus,” said one CDC official, “so we can see him without the aid of a microscope.”
Medical authorities say people need to be aware of the symptoms of each condition, so that should they succumb, they will know whether to consult a doctor, an exorcist, or a funeral director.
Cold sufferers usually have a stuffy nose, congestion, sneezing, and sometimes a cough. Seasonal flu symptoms consist of fever, painful body aches, dry cough, and fatigue. Swine flu brings all those symptoms plus an obsessive desire to oink. Glenn Beck causes anger, resentment, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and weeping followed by hysterical laughter and, in extreme cases, attendance at tea party rallies.
People at greatest risk of catching Glenn Beck include the highly confused, those prone to hiccups and the intensely Republican. Such people should keep their immune systems strong by taking plenty of enemas and sleeping up to 18 hours a day, medical experts say.
And what about the rumors that avoiding drafts, never going outside with wet hair and refusing to send text messages will stave off virus-borne diseases? “Pure myth,” said Dr. Chandler Sewell of the CDC. “Though sticking a banana in each ear can be surprisingly effective.”
More, as well as less, of Lewis Grossberger's writing can be found at True/Slant.
