Dear Dave:
I was sorry to hear you
admitting on television that you’d had sex. A
prominent person like yourself should never admit to having sex and probably is best off not even having it in the first place. Whenever I’ve heard a public figure admit to sex, it meant he was in trouble. (Perhaps I should say “he or she” but it’s almost always a he, isn’t it?)
Eliot Spitzer talked about having sex and the next thing you know, he wasn’t the governor of New York anymore. Upon replacing him, David Patterson announced that he had had sex, too, and he’s not doing so hot either.
Even denying that you’ve had sex means grief. Bill Clinton did that and it got him impeached. Best to avoid the subject of one’s own sex acts entirely and confine your remarks to other people’s sex acts. There are always plenty of those going on.
I suppose the matter of whom one has had sex with is also a factor here. If you’re married and it’s someone other than your wife you admit to having sex with, the whole question of “appropriateness” comes up and that never puts you on high moral ground. If it is your wife you’re having sex with that’s appropriate enough but people don’t consider it interesting so best avoid discussing that, too.
From what I read about sex in the news, it has become apparent to me that all famous people are at it constantly and always with the wrong partners. Seemingly none of them want to settle down and have sex only with the duly authorized spouse. John Edwards, Gov. Sanford of South Carolina, Sen. Ensign of Nevada, you…the list goes on and on. We haven’t heard much from Paris Hilton lately, which probably means she’s out having sex with someone terribly inappropriate and it’s being videotaped.
And then of course there’s Roman Polanski, which is a whole other kind of sex, that is to say sex with someone who doesn’t even want to have sex, and is drugged and under age to boot. Believe me, you really don’t want to talk about that kind of sex if you’re having it, which I hope you aren’t.
Now if someone accuses you of having sex, or blackmails you for having sex, in my opinion, the best thing to do is ignore it. Just let it slide. If a reporter questions you on the subject, just say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and walk away, whistling insouciantly. By tomorrow’s news cycle, at latest, some other celebrity will be accused of sex and the headlines will be about him and your sex will be forgotten.
I don’t know you very well, Dave. I’ve watched your show several thousand times, and about 20 years ago, I interviewed you for a profile in
Rolling Stone. That’s pretty much our whole relationship. We’ve never had sex together. You probably don’t remember the interview but I will remind you that I did not ask you a single question about sex. Even then, I sensed it was a subject that could only cause problems. How right I was. All I see now
are pundits asking whether this sex business
will negatively affect your career, which is bound to negatively affect your career.
So, to reiterate, Dave, even though it’s too late, shut up. Please pass this on to your celebrity friends.
Best,
Lew
More, as well as less, of Lewis Grossberger's writing can be found at True/Slant.
