Off the Grid Index
Posts by Lewis Grossberger
OFF THE GRID is about why the news is the news. Here are the real motivations of both media and newsmakers. Here's the backstory. This is a look at the inner workings of desperate media, the inner life of the publicity crazed, and the true meaning of the news of the day.
Obama's Secret Weapon: The Hug
Off the Grid | Nov 16, 09 12:41 PM CST
Lewis Grossberger - President Obama needs to get the hell out of China as fast as he can, rush back to America and start hugging Republicans. This will guarantee him a huge majority in Congress next election. No more worrying about scraping up 60 votes. No more sleepless nights for Harry Reid. Starting in January 2011, every Democratic bill sails right through. ...
So They Overshot the Airport. Big Deal.
Off the Grid | Oct 23, 09 3:07 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - I sympathize with the pilots who overshot the Minneapolis airport by 150 miles. It’s so easy to get distracted and forget what you’re supposed to be doing in today’s busy world. Besides, they’re probably overworked or something. One time in a car I got into an argument with a passenger about whether Alfred Hitchcock or...
Kumbaya! Obama Unites Nation!
Off the Grid | Oct 9, 09 1:44 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - President Obama today achieved his long-sought goal of overcoming the nation’s factional divide as all sides of the political spectrum came together to agree that he did not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Republicans, Democrats, and independents were in unprecedented agreement, as politicians and citizens alike registered their astonishment...
O Giveth Thou Unto Me a Break: Conservatives Are Rewriting the Bible
Off the Grid | Oct 7, 09 11:03 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - There are some things that happen that so cry out for parody that a buzzer goes off in the head of every humor writer on the planet. Such a thing is the Conservative Bible Project. A bunch of righties headed by Andrew Schlafly (the son of Phyllis Schlafly) are rewriting the Bible because according to them, liberal bias has contaminated all the...
An Open Letter to David Letterman Re: Sex
Off the Grid | Oct 5, 09 2:43 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Dear Dave: I was sorry to hear you admitting on television that you’d had sex. A prominent person like yourself should never admit to having sex and probably is best off not even having it in the first place. Whenever I’ve heard a public figure admit to sex, it meant he was in trouble. (Perhaps I should say “he or she”...
Alan Grayson Gives the Right a Taste of Its Own Medicine
Off the Grid | Oct 1, 09 3:33 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - In political/media circles, the standard buzz phrase for Alan Grayson, for those of you who (like me) never heard of our new liberal Rambo before his big chart-wielding media breakthrough on the floor of the House Tuesday night, is that he’s The Congressman from the Blogosphere. Which is to say, he’s loud, in your face, and snarky....
How to Tell the Difference Between Swine Flu, Seasonal Flu, and Glenn Beck
Off the Grid | Sep 21, 09 2:48 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - With fall just around the corner, infectious disease experts are warning Americans to take precautions against not only the usual outbreaks of flu and common cold but also against H1N1 (aka swine flu) and Glenn Beck. The Center for Disease Control advises that at minimum people should take these preventive measures: 1. Wash your hands frequently....
Viciousness on the Right: They Just Can't Help It
Off the Grid | Sep 18, 09 7:51 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Some are saying the problem is racism . Others call it lack of civility . Still others point to varying combinations of stupidity and craziness. All of these things are certainly in play in the current right-wing hatefest, but let’s not lose sight of another factor that’s been overlooked: sheer viciousness. There has always been...
Half a Cheer for Joe Wilson
Off the Grid | Sep 11, 09 9:29 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - I don’t want the job but somebody has to speak up for Joe Wilson . Well, not Wilson so much but the practice of yelling at presidents in the sacred halls of Congress. Seems to me that as a general principle, even though it’s rude, uncivil, impolite, inappropriate, boorish, and, worst of all, in breach of protocol, shouting “liar”...
What If Obama Had Really Been a Liberal?
Off the Grid | Sep 9, 09 10:47 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - The Birther Movement! Death panels! Indoctrinating schoolchildren into socialism! The far-fetched, hysterical behavior on the right since the rise of Obama has been so extreme, I can’t help wondering: What on earth would it be like if a liberal had been elected? The weirdest thing about the Great Conservative Psychosis is that...
Oh My God! Now Obama Wants to Indoctrinate Congress!
Off the Grid | Sep 8, 09 10:15 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - President Obama’s plan to address a joint session of Congress on health care reform tomorrow has set off a revolt among conservative Americans, who have accused the president of trying to indoctrinate their senators and representatives with socialist ideas. “I don’t want my legislators exposed to political propaganda,”...
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the War
Off the Grid | Sep 2, 09 1:51 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - It’s possible you missed the news because no official announcement was made, but Afghanistan is now our number-one war. But that’s not the real news: The larger war—Afpakiraq–is never going to end. I’m making that announcement myself, because someone has to. We are now a nation permanently at war, so you may as well...
What's Wrong With a Little Fat Joke Every Now and Then?
Off the Grid | Aug 24, 09 2:49 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - I don’t know Cintra Wilson. In fact, I never heard of Cintra Wilson before Clark Hoyt, the humorless public editor of the New York Times , did a Torquemada on her yesterday, but now I am Cintra Wilson’s number-one fanboy. I am prepared to die that Cintra Wilson may live. But I want Clueless Clark to go first. I want him fed to...
Tarantino's Jewish Revenge Flick Rewrites History—What Else Is New?
Off the Grid | Aug 21, 09 11:04 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Tarantino has done it again. Says here the German critics have gone nuts over Inglourious Basterds . They say Quentin has ripped up the rulebook for history flicks. Also for spelling. Daringly, brazenly, outrageously as only QT can outly rage, he has bestowed upon us the gift of history not as it was but as it should have been. The film,...
Who, Pray Tell, Will Be Our Next Prince of Darkness?
Off the Grid | Aug 19, 09 11:46 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Jockeying among right-wing claimants for the vacated title Prince of Darkness began in earnest yesterday as the spirit of deceased pundit Robert Novak left his body and swooped toward the nether regions. “He was the slimiest, most evil bastard I’ve ever known,” said Roger N. Parnell, a former aide to Senator Robert Dole and now...
Getting Shot at May Be Harmful to Your Mental Health
Off the Grid | Aug 18, 09 3:05 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - After more than two centuries of warfare, the US Army has concluded that the stress of combat can cause mental-health problems. All 1.1 million soldiers will be required to take classes aimed at helping them overcome these problems. The army plans to train 1,500 sergeants to teach the course. Reading this story in the New York Times , I had...
How America Can Save Cuba's Ass
Off the Grid | Aug 13, 09 3:51 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - In recent days, I have been closely monitoring the Cuban Toilet-Paper Shortage, a crisis that has generated some of the lamest jokes I’ve seen in all my foreign-affairs experience. Let me indicate the seriousness of the situation by summarizing a few of the more alarming facts: The Cuban Toilet-Paper Shortage actually exists. Really....
Grossblogger's Better-Than-Most-Fall-TV-Previews Fall TV Preview
Off the Grid | Aug 12, 09 3:27 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - It’s shaping up to be a spectacular season. Unlike many past years, there is no one trend or theme dominating this fall’s very creative and innovative lineup. Here are the best of the new and returning shows, with a brief note on what to expect. (For network, time, etc., click here. ) Dancing with Supernatural Creatures: Who are...
Kudos, Rush! You Beat Out Palin to Win the Craziest Lie Contest
Off the Grid | Aug 9, 09 7:52 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Dear Rush: I’m pleased to inform you that you came in first in The Looniest Right-Wing Prevaricator of the Week Contest. This is your seventh victory! Congratulations. As you know, the competition has grown more and more intense, to the point where I’m nearly overwhelmed trying to keep up with all the entries. Your win this week,...
Pleased By Success of Incoherent Screaming, Republicans Plan to Expand Use of Tactic
Off the Grid | Aug 7, 09 12:04 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - With right-wing mobs throwing Democrats off balance this week by shouting them down at town hall meetings across the nation, Republican leaders say they will begin screaming incoherently in other venues. “From now on, we’re going to hoot and holler in Congress, in the state legislatures, on TV and radio shows, and even in the streets,”...
Exclusive: Transcript of Bill Clinton’s Talk With Kim Jong-Il
Off the Grid | Aug 5, 09 6:43 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - KJI : Welcome, President Obama to the beautiful, flower-bedecked People’s Democratic Republic of Korea. How do you like my country so far? BC : Thank you, Mr. Glorious Dear Leader. It’s very nice, especially here in your Democratic Socialist Diamond Throne Room in the Golden-Domed Grand Palace of the People, but I’m actually...
Caution! Do Not Read the Words ‘Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy’
Off the Grid | Aug 1, 09 8:59 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Mark Twain once wrote a story in which the narrator reads a nonsense rhyme in the newspaper and the lines get lodged in his head. Or as Twain put it: “They took instant and entire possession of me.“ Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, ...
New Yorker Doesn't Savage Savage and Michael Is a Man in Love
Off the Grid | Jul 31, 09 10:26 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Michael Savage is deeply in love with Kelefa Sanneh’s profile of him in the current New Yorker . It’s not hard to understand why. At no time does the piece call Savage a raving, fascist, racist, hatemongering, shock jock nutcake. That’s the way Savage expects the liberal media to treat him when it isn’t relentlessly...
Guardian Angel Apologizes for Letting Pope Break Wrist
Off the Grid | Jul 29, 09 3:13 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Responding to comments by Pope Benedict XVI that his guardian angel let him down when he fell and broke his wrist earlier this month, the angel in question apologized today and promised to “be more on the ball in the future.” The angel Jamaerah, speaking at a news conference broadcast on the Organized Religion Channel, blamed his lapse...
There Will Be Tru Blood! Vampires' 2nd-Favorite Drink to Hit Stores
Off the Grid | Jul 28, 09 9:40 AM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Yep, they’re really going to market it: Tru Blood the beverage debuts Sept. 8. And HBO’s promo writers have come up with a splendid verb to describe the concept of selling a concoction created for the characters on a TV series: They say they’re “de-fictionalizing” Tru Blood. Is that beautiful? A fictional concept...
Let Obama, Gates and Crowley Work Out a Compromise
Off the Grid | Jul 27, 09 12:16 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - Over a beer in the Oval Office, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sgt. James M. Crowley hammered out a version of health-care reform that “both could live with,” President Obama announced today. “Despite some angry shouting and the inevitable awkward silences, I’m pleased to say we finally reached...
Liz Cheney: Who Is She? What Is She? Why Must I Put Up With Her?
Off the Grid | Jul 24, 09 4:34 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - I find myself extremely irritated and resentful today over having been made fully aware of the existence of someone named Liz Cheney. I say “fully aware” because although I probably had seen the name of this individual in the media, until now it never really registered. Never stuck. It lay half submerged, like some hippopotamus you’re...
Eleven Obama Conspiracies You Can't Make Go Away
Off the Grid | Jul 23, 09 2:41 PM CDT
Lewis Grossberger - You may think some of these sound crazy. But then you thought the birther conspiracy was crazy and that’s going strong. (Even Lou Dobbs likes it now. Who the hell are you to go against Lou Dobbs?) 1. Barack Obama is gay. The evidence: Obama hasn’t spoken out in favor of gay marriage or ending Don’t Ask Don’t Tell....
