And they're off! After a rousing opening monologue by Seth MacFarlane, Christoph Waltz won the first award of the night: Best Supporting Actor for Django Unchained. Stick with us for live updates throughout the show:
- Best Animated Short went to Paperman, and Best Animated Feature Film went to Brave.
- The stars of The Avengers awarded both Achievement in Cinematography and Achievement in Visual Effects to Life of Pi. (The music used to boot the long-winded off stage: Jaws theme.)
- Achievement in Costume Design goes to Anna Karenina. Achievement in Make-up and Hairstyling goes to Les Miserables.
- And now ... a tribute to ... James Bond movies?!
- Best Live Action Short goes to Curfew. Best Documentary Short goes to Inocente.
- Best Documentary goes to Searching for Sugar Man. Best Foreign Film goes to Amour.
- We're almost an hour and a half in when John Travolta introduces an epic song and dance number to honor movie musicals.
- After making a joke about the post-Oscars orgy at Jack Nicholson's house, Mark Wahlberg and Ted the teddy bear from MacFarlane's Ted present Best Sound Mixing to Les Miserables. Then there's a tie for Best Sound Editing: Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall.
- After a Sound of Music joke by MacFarlane, Christopher Plummer presents Best Supporting Actress to Anne Hathaway, as everyone knew he would.
- Sandra Bullock presents Achievement in Film Editing to Argo, then Jennifer Lawrence introduces Adele singing her nominated song from James Bond flick Skyfall.
- For some reason Kristen Stewart is here, to present Achievement in Production Design with Daniel Radcliffe. The winner: Lincoln.
- George Clooney introduces the In Memoriam segment.
- The cast of Chicago, of all things, awards Best Original Score to Life of Pi and Best Original Song to Adele for Skyfall.
- Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Argo. Best Original Screenplay goes to Django Unchained. No N-word dropping from Quentin Tarantino this time around, at least not onscreen.
- Best Director goes to Ang Lee for Life of Pi. (We're officially past the official ending time of the show, and MacFarlane is making jokes about how long it's running.)
- Best Actress goes to Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook. She starts her breathless acceptance speech by saying, "This is nuts!"
- Best Actor goes to Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln; he's the first actor to have won three Best Actor awards.
- Jack Nicholson and surprise co-presenter Michelle Obama (via video screen) present Best Picture to Argo, as expected.
- As if we're not already more than half an hour behind schedule, MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth wrap things up with a musical ode to all the Oscar losers.
Click to check out some of MacFarlane's jokes