Real Bond Would Be an 'Impotent Drunk'
Study: Booze intake would leave spy too pie-eyed to function
By Rob Quinn,  Newser Staff
Posted Dec 13, 2013 1:20 AM CST
Bond's boozing would be "catastrophic for his markmanship," the doctors warn.   (AP Photo/Sony Pictures, Susie Allnutt)

(Newser) – If James Bond was a real person he'd be too booze-addled to seduce gorgeous Soviet spies, let alone shoot straight or defuse nuclear bombs, according to doctors who have cast a worried eye over his alcohol intake in the 14 original Bond novels from the '50s and '60s. The super-spy downed at least four times the recommended intake of alcohol every day, putting him in the "top whack" of problem drinkers and at high risk of liver damage, premature death, and impotence, warn the doctors. The study is tongue-in-cheek, but its authors say it should drive home an important message about alcohol consumption, the BBC notes.

"He's a very glamorous person, he gets all the girls, and that's totally incompatible with the lifestyle of an alcoholic, which he is," says one of the researchers, who concluded that while "we appreciate the societal pressures to consume alcohol when working with international terrorists and high-stakes gamblers, we would advise Bond to be referred for further assessment of his alcohol intake." Bond was, of course, a product of his time—and of author Ian Fleming, who died at 56 after a lifetime of heavy smoking and drinking. The doctors say a real Bond would have a similar life expectancy.