Guy's Hilarious Obit: 'Don't Email Me, I'm Dead'
Adman Kevin McGroarty leaves his loved ones cackling
By Arden Dier, Newser Staff
Posted Jul 31, 2014 8:30 AM CDT
McGroarty's parting advice: "Never stick a steak knife in an electrical outlet."   (Shutterstock)

(Newser) – Kevin McGroarty worked in advertising for some 30 years. His final project: a hilarious "500-word mini masterpiece," AdWeek reports—his own obituary. McGroarty, who died last week at 53, kicks it off with a bang—"McGroarty Achieves Room Temperature!"—before explaining he died "after battling a long fight with mediocracy." The obit, which the Times Leader reports was written a year before his death, continues, "he enjoyed elaborate practical jokes, over-tipping in restaurants, sushi, and Marx Brothers movies. ... He will be laid to rest at Mount Olivet Cemetery, section 7N. He asks to please make note of his new address." And friends, "Please, don't email me, I'm dead."

His big regret? That as an adult, he couldn't "rally the good citizens" of Pennsylvania "to a revolution that would force" the price of a Hershey candy bar back "to its original 35-cent market value, a dream he was not able to fulfill." The reason? "I was distracted by many beautiful women." The Times Leader notes his funeral Monday was full of as many laughs as tears. When a cell phone rang out, the man delivering the eulogy said, "Get that, it’s probably Kevin." McGroarty's parting advice: "It costs nothing to be nice" and "Never stick a steak knife in an electrical outlet." Check out the full obituary. (Another recent self-written obituary was just three words long.)

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Ezekiel 25:17
Aug 4, 2014 7:08 PM CDT
I can't really stomach today's US made chocolate. If you travel to Belgium or even The Americas south of Mexico you cannot go back. Ok, lets start that Hershey's has continued to cut corners at all phases. They do have factories in Mexico but do NOT mistake it for Mexican chocolate made with real cacao. Then there is the ever shrinking bar. I think some day it will be so thin it will not stand in a vending machine. Next is Hershey's manufacturing methods. The factory in Hershey Penn used to have a diary on site and the tanks and milking operations were in the basement. Hershey's biggest cash outlay was for the grains they fed the cows. Today, its for high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, and artificial flavors. So, do yourself a favor, find a Mercado Central in your area and go in and find real Mexican or south/central American cacoa. You will not be disappointed except in that you cannot go back again.
Aug 2, 2014 2:18 AM CDT
Finkster, best comments here!~ That obit was a good read. Rip, Mr. McGroarty.
joel garry
Jul 31, 2014 3:32 PM CDT
LinkedIn asked me to rate a skill of my recently deceased cousin. I thought it was hilarious, including when people tried to comfort me after I tweeted about it (but I do appreciate that, people).