In the ever-more-tragic saga that is Jon Gosselin's trainwreck of a life, some "sick perpetrator" wielding a "butcher knife" sliced and diced his Manhattan bachelor pad. The slash-happy burglar carved his "shoes, shirts, luggage, bed, curtain, rugs, and other furnishings" to shreds, made off with his TV, Wii, coffeemaker, and pots and pans—then lovingly "speared" a note to Gosselin's dresser with the aforementioned butcher knife.
The note was signed Hailey Glassman, reports TMZ, for whatever that John Hancock's worth. But it's worth noting that our man Jon has apparently acquired some cultcha—he also reportedly lost a Ming vase that was "smashed to pieces." Octodad wants felony charges slapped on the perp.