Madonna to Jesus: Learn English!

Actress drinks wine while discussing her sobriety, says writer

(NEWSER) - Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan discussed her sobriety while drinking wine, then complained bitterly that she deserved the starring role in Black Swan, reports a Miami journalist. Lohan pointed out that she "took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for Black Swan," writes reporter Jacquelynn Powers, who talked to the actress during a May photo shoot for Plum Miami Magazine . (The Daily News does a recap.) As Lohan arrived for the shoot, she was annoyed to see an orange traffic cone blocking a car. "Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan," she shouted from the car. It was moved. More»

Meanwhile, Father of the Year accused of assault

(NEWSER) - The Delusional Quote of the Day comes to us from a source “very close” to Lindsay Lohan, who tells PopEater LiLo will be spending her time in jail writing music…and the resulting album “will definitely get nominated for a Grammy.” For more on her inevitable musical comeback, click here . More from the world o' Lohans:

• Some inmates are “pissy” about Lindsay’s “special treatment,” one recently released woman tells the New York Daily News . There are rumors, denied by the prison, of her own TV and dresser, special food, a private phone, and her own guard.

Some, like Speidi and Paris Hilton, are just so obvious

(NEWSER) - Some celebrities should probably never be allowed around a child—let alone allowed to have one of their own. “That means you, Heidi and Spencer,” writes Jen Genova on Babble . The 9 other power couples who should really, really not add to their family units:

1. No matter how adorably in love Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are, it's still creepy "that his step-daughters had major crushes on him."
2. Dear Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry: "We have about oh, zero interest in tuning into a show called My Fair Brady and Baby."

Lose the fake tan, the blond dye job, and the leggings for a start

(NEWSER) - Lindsay Lohan’s bad publicity parade marches on, but all hope is not lost: Tracey Harrington McCoy fully backs a LiLo career comeback, and she outlines a 12-step program on PopEater :

1. No more fake tanning: It’s one thing to promote your line of spray tanner. It’s another to show up on the red carpet with “oompa-loompa orange feet.”
2. No more fake hair color: Not only does the blond look fake, it highlights the orange tan—go back to the natural, and unique, red.
3. No more leggings: “Please start wearing a bra. Stop replacing pants with sheer leggings or tights.”

Wait, they were still dating? Yep, but Jesus Luz called it off

(NEWSER) - Though you may have long ago tried to forget that 51-year-old Madonna was dating 23-year-old Jesus Luz, you can now officially forget: It's over. The perhaps surprising part of the news? It was her Brazilian boy toy who called it quits, thanks to their age difference and the fact that they have nothing in common, the Chicago Sun-Times reports, adding that the split was amicable. Whew! More»