Joined Newser on:
Mar 23, 2013 2:56 PM CDT
My father was a relentlessly self-improving lingerie salesman with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old prostitute named Chloe...with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. My childhood was pretty typical: Summers in Rangoon. Luge lessons. In the spring, we would make "meat helmets." When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag, and beaten with reeds. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At 13, I met an Austrian barber-surgeon named Wilma. She ritualistically shaved my testicles. There's nothing like a freshly-shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. You should try it...