Here's Melissa Rivers' Eulogy for Joan
Melissa gave one of 4 eulogies at the star-studded funeral
By Shelley Hazen,  Newser User
Posted Sep 11, 2014 8:21 AM CDT
Updated Sep 11, 2014 10:59 AM CDT
   (AP Photo/Amy Sancetta, File)

(Newser) – Joan Rivers' funeral last weekend was as star-studded as the late comedian had hoped for, with appearances by Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and more. There was even a performance of "Quiet Please, There's a Lady on Stage" by Hugh Jackman. Rivers also got four celebrity eulogies—Howard Stern's was perhaps the filthiest. But it was her daughter, Melissa, 46, who delivered the best one, reports the Hollywood Reporter. In it, she read her written response to some complaints her mom had while staying at Melissa's Los Angeles home recently. The letter will be part of an upcoming book, A Letter to My Mom. Some highlights:

  • "Re: Your fellow 'tenant' (your word), Cooper [Melissa's son]. While I trust you with him, it is not OK for you to undermine my rules. It is not OK that you let him have chips and ice cream for dinner. It is not OK that you let him skip school to go to the movies. And it is really not OK that the movie was Last Tango in Paris."
  • "As for your taking his friends to a 'gentlemen's club,' I accepted your rationale that it was an educational experience for the boys … but I'd prefer he not learn biology from those 'gentlemen' and their ladies, Bambi, Trixie, and Kitten."
  • "While I'm glad to see you're socializing, you must refill the hot tub after your parties. In fact, you need to tone down the parties altogether. Imagine my surprise when I saw the photos you posted on Facebook of your friends frolicking topless in the hot tub."
  • "I think it's great that you're entertaining more often, but I can't keep fielding complaints from the neighbors about your noisy party games like Ring Around the Walker or naked Duck, Duck Caregiver."
  • "In closing … I love having you live with me, and I am grateful for every minute Cooper and I have with you. You are an inspiration. You are also 30 days late with the rent."
Click here to read the letter in full.