"Who buys someone they're dumping a Vitamix?" That's the question of a Brooklyn woman selling a certified reconditioned 5200 series Vitamix online, Daily Dot reports. The appliance—asking price just $400—indeed was a break-up gift of sorts. "He clearly wants to break up, but makes you do it," the woman writes in her Craigslist ad, which is part sales pitch and part therapeutic purge. "It's the day after your birthday. A few days later, this Vitamix arrives at your door. Either he wants you back, or he does not understand the human species." Her conclusion: "He does not understand the human species," and also, "He wants me to remember him fondly. I can't abide it." And despite entertaining thoughts of destroying the Vitamix, "I'm not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender," she writes.
The seller, who advises "never date a corporate lawyer," does acknowledge getting involved with the guy may have been a mistake, especially when "he ghosted you after one date." But he apologized, has nice hair, "claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes." She goes on to say that he is kind, "not like other corporate lawyers," but his fear of commitment manifests itself while watching a "movie about the futility of monogamy." The relationship begins to crater, and eventually the blender arrives at her door. "It comes in the box with a 5-year warranty and a recipe book," the ad says. "I am also available for dates." Vocativ is rooting for her true love to appear, and New York is waiting for the movie adaptation into Vitamix Blender Love Story. (The seller may want to consider moving to one of these cities.)