Guy 'Fesses Up to Everything in Own Obituary
Seems Val Patterson had a lot to get off his chest
By Polly Davis Doig, Newser Staff
Posted Jul 17, 2012 2:45 PM CDT
Val Patterson really wasn't a PhD. In fact, "I never graduated," he wrote in his obituary.   (Shutterstock)

(Newser) – Val Patterson died last week after a bout with throat cancer that gave him time to write a doozy of an obituary, in which the 59-year-old Utahan came clean about pretty much everything. "Now that I have gone to my reward," Patterson wrote with all the honesty of a dying man, "I have confessions and things I should now say." Highlights, via the AP and Patterson's obituary:

  • On that whole 'PhD' he allegedly had: "I didn't even graduate." It was a clerical error that happened when he went to pay off his student loans. "In fact, I never did even learn what the letters 'PhD' even stood for."

  • To the electronic engineers he worked with: "I'm sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and I always made you laugh."
  • As for 'that really mean Park Ranger:' "It was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again."
  • Furthermore: "I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive back in June 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest."
  • And seriously: "My regret is that I felt invincible when young and smoked cigarettes when I knew they were bad for me. Now, to make it worse, I have robbed my beloved Mary Jane of the two of us growing old together. I feel such the thief now—for stealing so much from her."
  • And Patterson's final advice: "If you want to live forever, then don't stop breathing, like I did."
Click for his entire self-penned obituary.

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Showing 3 of 14 comments
Jul 18, 2012 8:37 AM CDT
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Jul 17, 2012 10:23 PM CDT
At his end he was able to ease the pain from those who loved him most, much they same way they did in easing his pain in his final days. Just enough lies, regrets, and truths to enlist just enough laughter, forgiveness, and love necessary for the people he respected and loved the most to heal and move on without him. I wouldn't be surprised one day in the future the news might be about one of his grandchildren coming across something very valuable that Val just happened to stashed away for them. Then, maybe not.
Jul 17, 2012 5:10 PM CDT
OOPS, Val Patterson failed to mention that transvestite in Vegas.