This may be the holy grail of weird sex crime stories: Police on Friday arrested a Murfreesboro, Tenn., man who was allegedly trying to have intercourse with a bar's ATM around 9:30pm, the Daily News Journal reports. Per the police report, 49-year old Lonnie Jackson Hutton "pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals" and then attempted to have his way with the Boro Bar and Grill's cash machine. He "then began to walk ‘nude’ around the bar thrusting his hips in the air.” Police were called, and Hutton was told to wait on an outdoor picnic table until the authorities showed up. Then things allegedly got weirder.
Per the report, Hutton then "again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table." He was, somehow, only charged with public intoxication, WGNS Radio reports, having been observed unsteady and with slurred speech. The Smoking Gun reports Hutton had bond set at $250 and has a July 1 court appearance scheduled; he remained behind bars as of yesterday. (Here's another weird one.)