You already knew Sizzler was pretty amazing (cheese toast, anyone?), but you can now thank the Internet for reminding you just how amazing it truly is. Someone posted a 1991 promo video produced by the restaurant chain on YouTube, and, well, it is amazing and has deservedly gone viral. First, there's the incredibly dramatic song, with lyrics including: "We will make the most of all the best that freedom brings / Sizzler is the one that brings us choices / Reaching out across the USA / Each and every day, get a little freedom in your life." Then there are the images that accompany the song: a construction worker who looks vaguely like Liam Neeson, a young female baseball player, at least two actors wearing sailor hats, lots of people with dogs, and ... the Sizzler buffet with all its aforementioned "choices."
"All over America, a quiet revolution has been taking place," intones a voice-over. "Americans have rediscovered—are redefining—what's really important in their lives. ... They want good, basic home cooking. Quality food. And they want choices, variety—all at a reasonable price. Americans want value." And then, the song again: "Sizzler brings the choices that you've been looking for / In giving you the right to choose, we're offering much more / By holding to traditions, yet changing with the times / Choices and selections, choices of directions, choices that can add a little freedom in your life / Sizzler is the choice of America / Sizzler gives you choices every day / That's the Sizzler way." As Thrillist explains, the nearly five-minute video was "apparently a pitch to potential franchisees" touting the fact that at Sizzler, you can either order off the menu or visit the buffet, and it's being described as "more patriotic than the National Anthem," "utterly perfect" yet "deeply unsettling" and "erotically-charged," and "goddamn magical." (Click for 14 retro ads that are oh-so-wrong.)