Bejeweled Blitz: 5 Craziest Crimes of the Week Including a man who thought he'd been shot By Newser Editors, Newser Staff Posted Jun 3, 2016 5:14 AM CDT 0 comments Comments The head of the "Maltese Eagle." (TheMalteseEagle.com) (Newser) – A stoned man with a sensitive backside and a law-abiding 6-year-old factor into the craziest crimes of the week. Thieves Swipe $5M Bejeweled Eagle—From Guy's Backpack: An 18-pound, solid-gold eagle statue adorned with 763 diamonds and a massive emerald recovered from a 17th-century shipwreck has been stolen—but it wasn't exactly a Mission: Impossible-esque heist. Owner Ron Shore says he had his "Maltese Eagle" in his backpack on Sunday when he was robbed after attending a church concert in Vancouver. Here's why Shore commissioned the statue in the first place, and why he's so distraught over its theft. Stoned Man Calls Cops on Dog That 'Shot' Him in Butt: We suppose many different kinds of injuries inflicted upon one's fleshy backside can feel like a gunshot—especially if that someone is stoned out of his mind and possibly suffering from pot-induced paranoia. That's apparently what happened to a man last week in Groesbeck, Texas, who called the cops after he said someone shot him in the buttocks. What really happened involves some marijuana, a dog, and Mother Nature. Pentagon Official in Trouble for Stealing License Plates: A top Pentagon official known as being a "stickler for the rules" almost ended up in prison for harassing a nanny who parked in his upscale Washington, DC, neighborhood. Cops say Bryan Whitman, the Pentagon's top civilian public affairs official, stole the nanny's license plates three times in April after leaving a note on her windshield. Here's what that note said, and what was so odd about the whole situation. Man Pays Speeding Ticket in Most Unusual Manner: "I didn't hurt anybody. I didn't endanger anybody's life." That's what Texas man Brett Sanders says in explaining his indignation over a $220-plus speeding ticket he recently received while driving near his Frisco home. Sanders was fined for driving 9 miles over the limit, and because cops made such a big deal about his transgression, he decided to make a "big spectacle" when it came to paying it. Kid on 911 Call: 'Daddy Went Past a Red Light': Michael Richardson says he was heading to the car wash with his son in Quincy, Mass., on Saturday when he turned right on a red light. "I told him to stop, but he didn't listen," says 6-year-old Robbie, who knows "a red light makes you stop." His dad tried to explain that turning right on a red light is sometimes allowed, but Robbie promised to call the police when they got home. He wasn't joking. Read about more crazy crimes here.