Doughnut Mess With Me: 5 Craziest Crimes of the Week And when your lover is a van... By Newser Editors, Newser Staff Posted Aug 19, 2016 6:18 AM CDT Updated Aug 19, 2016 6:54 AM CDT 0 comments Comments Let's hope they're freshly baked. (Melissa d'Arabian via AP) (Newser) – This week's crimes include those most intolerable of things: lots of human waste, and a stale doughnut: A Fugitive Is Missing in New Jersey's Sewers: This is one fugitive who authorities hope managed to get away. Keith Jean fled into the sewer system in Newark, NJ, two weeks ago after swimming across the Passaic River to get away from police, and there's been no sign of him since, either inside or outside the sewer system. As for what's down there, officials describe a network of cramped chambers where he would find potentially deadly gases, along with a constant flow of human waste. 'Stale' Doughnut Lands Guy in Jail: A 19-year-old faces charges of petit larceny and criminal possession of stolen property over a sweet treat. Daniel Schlagler's lawyer says his client was in line to pay for a doughnut at a 7-Eleven on Staten Island on Tuesday when he bit into it and discovered it was stale. What happened from there was "bogus," says the man's lawyer. Dad Accused of Raping Daughter Saved by Mention of 50 Shades: Cathy McCulloch writes that as of last week, she hadn't read Fifty Shades of Grey ("honest!"). The barrister is intimately familiar with portions of it now, however, due to a case that she describes as "exceptional." Her client was a father charged with eight counts of incestuous rape that he insisted he didn't commit. But the case didn't look good for him, until he happened to mention his daughter's favorite book to McCulloch. Cops: Guy Tried to Have Sex With a Van While High: Michael Henson may or may not know how sex works. Authorities in Dayton, Ohio, say the 35-year-old was arrested Tuesday after a witness called 911 claiming Henson tried to have sex with a parked van. The witness said she saw Henson swinging a stop sign; then he moved toward the van. Cop Grabs Kid's Bike to Catch Suspect: It may sound like a scene from a slapstick comedy, but it really happened in Germany: Police were chasing a suspect on a moped when he drove down a narrow road, foiling them, as their car couldn't make it through. Undeterred, a police officer turned to a nearby child for help. Click to read more crazy crimes.