This probably isn't the top priority for law enforcement, but it's got to be at least No. 2. CBS Denver reports a female jogger has been terrorizing a Colorado Springs neighborhood with random acts of pooping for nearly two months. "'Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?'" Cathy Budde says she asked the woman. "She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry.'” Budde says she and her family have caught the woman in the act three times and have dubbed her the "Mad Pooper." (This is a reference to Bob's Burgers, and it's highly suggested you listen to this while reading the rest of this story.) KMGH reports the mystery jogger has pooped in multiple yards, and KKTV states she's also been seen pooping in an area Walgreens. Witnesses say she brings her own toilet paper.
Budde says she put up a sign asking the woman to please stop pooping in public. "She ran by it like 15 times yesterday, and she still pooped," says Budde, who believes the woman is doing it on purpose since there are public restrooms nearby. Now the police are getting involved, asking for help identifying the Mad Pooper, who could be charged with indecent exposure and public defecation. "It's abnormal," Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti tells CBS. "For someone to repeatedly do such a thing … it’s uncharted territory for me.” The story has left Deadspin with a few questions: "Is she a world-class crapper, who can shit dozens of times a day and therefore needs the variety? Is she motivated by some animal instinct to befoul as much of the city as physiologically possible? ... Is this revenge?" (There's something off-putting about this Denny's mascot.)