The Grammys are off and running, with AC/DC opening the show with a performance and host LL Cool J skipping the full monologue to instead hand the stage over to Taylor Swift, who presented the first award. Best New Artist went to Sam Smith, who kept his acceptance speech blissfully short. Check back—we'll keep you updated throughout the night.
- Another performance, of course, by Ariana Grande, followed by Jessie J and Tom Jones dueting on "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'." The duo then presented Best Pop Solo Performance to Pharrell Williams for "Happy." The producers are apparently not messing around—Williams got played off the stage after, by one Twitter user's estimation, 15 seconds.
- After Dierks Bentley introduced Miranda Lambert for a performance, Best Pop Vocal Album went to In the Lonely Hour by Sam Smith. He again managed to keep things short and sweet enough to avoid getting played off.
- Kanye West performed, singing (with Auto-Tune) the entire time with not a rap in sight. Then a bunch of dancers dressed as, apparently, bulls took the stage for a Madonna performance, which would explain her red carpet outfit.
- Best Rock Album was presented to Beck for Morning Phase. He got played off.
- Best R&B Performance went to Beyonce for "Drunk in Love," featuring hubby Jay Z. She was, of course, not played off, though she did keep things pretty short.
- After an Ed Sheeran-John Mayer performance, Jeff Lynne's ELO performed (and got Paul McCartney up dancing and singing along in the audience). And then it was time for the unholy union of Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani performing a Maroon 5 song.
- Oh, you thought there might be another award right about now? No. Instead, Hozier performed "Take Me to Church," joined by Annie Lennox. Then a Jonas brother and the "All About That Bass" lady presented Best Country Album to Platinum by Miranda Lambert.
- And then, yes, another performance: Pharrell Williams' "Happy," with a strangely ominous intro.
- Then it was time for a prerecorded message from President Obama, calling for an end to violence against women and girls, followed by an impassioned speech by domestic violence survivor and activist Brooke Axtell and a performance of "By the Grace of God" from Katy Perry.
- Thanks to what was apparently a very, very long Target commercial, the world then watched Imagine Dragons perform from somewhere in Las Vegas (i.e., not the Grammy stage). Back at the Grammys, Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett performed a duet.
- Hey, look, it's LL Cool J! The host made a triumphant return to the stage to introduce Usher's performance of a Stevie Wonder tribute. Then, yes, another performance (Eric Church, "Give Me Back My Hometown"). It had been approximately 44 minutes since the last award was handed out. But instead of handing out another one, Brandy Clark performed, followed by a collaboration: Rihanna, Kanye West (still singing instead of rapping, but this time apparently sans Auto-Tune), and Paul McCartney.
- Closing in on an hour with no actual awards being given out, Taylor Swift presented Sam Smith performing with Mary J. Blige, which was followed by yet another performance (Latin rock star Juanes singing "Juntos").
- Finally, an hour and seven minutes later, another award: Prince presented Album of the Year to Beck for Morning Phase. Beck got played off again. (And apparently almost got Kanyed by Kanye.)
- Shia LaBeouf, for some reason, took the stage to introduce a very confusing performance of Sia's "Chandelier," apparently featuring Kristen Wiig and interpretive dance. Song of the Year then went to—surprise, surprise—Sam Smith for "Stay With Me."
- Chris Martin and Beck teamed up for a performance, then Record of the Year went to, yes, Sam Smith again for "Stay With Me." He thanked his ex for breaking his heart "because you got me four Grammys."
- It's worth mentioning that pretty much every other commercial is Matthew McConaughey hawking Lincoln cars.
- After the "In Memoriam" segment, as the official end time of 11:30pm neared and it became increasingly unclear whether there were actual awards remaining to be handed out or whether viewers were just waiting for more Grammy officials to talk about copyright law, Twitter began to wonder if the show will actually go until midnight.
- No, there were no more awards to be handed out. Gwyneth Paltrow introduced her "beautiful friend" Beyonce singing a hymn, John Legend and Common performed "Glory," and the Grammys ended, with absolutely no farewell words from LL Cool J, nine minutes past schedule.
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