A Dummy’s Guide to Cheating

Steve Phillips had it coming, big time. Here's what happens when you get horizontal with a crazy chick, writes Mandy Stadtmiller for the New York Post: They always blab about the affair. To the would-be Steve Phillips of the world, she advises that you pick a woman who:

• Doesn't think you're all that. Make sure she doesn't have that glazed, dreaming-of-our-2.5-kids look in her eyes.
• Has a career. Ideally, that means she banks $50,000-plus, and keeps her focus on work—except in bed.

• Isn't a texter. Open that door and you're in trouble.
• Has a boyfriend, or, better yet, is married. Self explanatory.
• Can keep a secret. Reveal that you're the worst at keeping secrets; if she says "me, too!" move on.
• Considers you just one more notch in the belt. Better to end up with a disease than a messy divorce.
• Is not 22. Repeat, not 22 years old, and just dying to fall crazy in love.
• Loves ground rules. Especially the ground rule, "This is purely physical."

(More Steve Phillips stories.)